Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Went ice fishing yesterday. Caught over a hundred pounds, but most of it melted by the time I got home.

   Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love her...it's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home...it saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.

   I sexually identify as too tired for this.