Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   ... Well, I guess we now know what happens when social media is your only source of thought and conscience devoid of any common sense!

   There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.

   OH there's nothing quite as funny as poster's tossing insults instead of comic relief....

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Went ice fishing yesterday. Caught over a hundred pounds, but most of it melted by the time I got home.

   Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

   Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers!?!