Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

   $1400.00 per child? Hold up Maury, I just might be the father after all.

   I slept like a log last night. ... Woke up in the fireplace!

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)

   The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it’s basically the same ingredients as pizza.

   Don't you hate it when You look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!

   Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....

   "Well, Bill, now I see how you came up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   there a way I can trade Kanye West, the Kardasians, and the Jersey Shore cast for one of the "Good ones" that died in 2016? Would throw Kathy Griffin in if it helps.

   Ever seen a human pyramid? Someone needs to explain to government and CEO's this concept. And about who falls farthest if any level fails...

   During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.