Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

   If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

   My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.

   The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.

   ..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.

   I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.

   Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other

   Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

   It's a good day to be an avid indoorsman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge and slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   Rap battles in Canada consist of two people trying to outdo each other with compliments.

   Did you know that babies lose very little weight in jogging strollers.