Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share? 
My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.
Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus Kung Flu?
Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!
This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either.
Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ?
You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?
Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?
I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!
Congratulations to the astronauts
that left Earth today.
Good choice.
All of these special little "holidays..." I heard they were gonna have a national "I Don't Give A Sh*t" day... But no one gave a sh*t so it never happened.
Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."
" Your call is important to us followed by a 15 minute flute solo "
Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit. 