Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!

   This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either.

   Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ?

   You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?

   Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?

   I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!

   Congratulations to the astronauts that left Earth today. Good choice.

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

   My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

   what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

   Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   I want an app to mute nearby people.