Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list

   These days I think it would be more shocking if Bert and Ernie had split.

   Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.

   Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.

   I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day

   I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.

   Now that Valentines Day is now over, time to refocus on what's really important. Prepping your liver for St. Patrick's Day.

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.

   If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

   Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.

   How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant.

   Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?

   I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

   I have seen so many Smart cars this holiday weekend with out of state plates, I'm assuming there's a clown convention somewhere nearby.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks last year.. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse this year...

   Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...

   I can turn any song into the explict version if I dont really know the words.

   Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip