Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers. 
You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"
It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.
Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.
Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.
A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark
You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
Red flag laws sound great until you realize you’re labeled crazy for thinking 5-year-olds shouldn’t attend drag shows.
Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
Are the double maskers going to start yelling at the single maskers?
Sociopath: The Sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are Guilty of. They do this to deflect attention from themselves.
how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers. 