Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

   it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?

   Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.