Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do all my own stunts but not intentionally.

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Fear is contagious...so is Hope.

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

   "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.