Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.