Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One says, “eat the chocolate.” The other says, “you heard me right, eat it.”

   Back in 5 minutes ~ if not, read this again.

   Global warming won't kill us. The zombie apocalypse is a different story.

   Papa Bear: Read the part again where she burns her whore mouth on my porridge.

   “Fact Checkers” didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   I think my neighbor must have hit her toe with a hammer, she’s screaming like that at 2:00am. Lol

   Thank you, warning label. I almost used my toaster in the shower this morning.

   Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

   The only adult knowledge that a third grader needs to know, is that girls/boys have cooties.

   What’s up cake? Muffin much.

   Almost forgot the internet has porn.

   Spell your crush’s name backwards ~ Dnufer Xat

   When I was young, I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

   There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

   Establish dominance by asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

   A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

   Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

   Food is my favorite F-word.

   Certified freak seven days a week…. Wet a** opossum just walking down the street.

   He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything, that clearly points to a career in public office.