Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"

   HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.

   Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

   OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.

   Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

   We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

   Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

   The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

   My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...

   A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

   Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.