Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor

   I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.

   Its pretty cool how when you ask yoursefl, "What's the worst that can happen?" Life stops what its doing as is like, "Here, let me show you"

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   Sometimes there's a very thin line between "I should share this on Facebook with all my friends" and "I might want to seek private professional help for this"