Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   Sometimes there's a very thin line between "I should share this on Facebook with all my friends" and "I might want to seek private professional help for this"

   Apparently bumblebees don't want you to pet them.

   I'm sorry I cited the five second rule when I dropped your baby

   Remix to conviction.. hot and ready for prison..R. Kelly

   Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?

   I've watched Shrek every night this week and I still cannot find any clues as to how Donkey impregnated the dragon.

   I wish life was like a hockey game. I'd gladly spend five minutes in the penalty box for beating the snot out of someone who pissed me off.

   If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?

   Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

   Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage