Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you pretend not to see me, I will use my outside voice to say hello.

   If it ain't broke, borrow money from it.

   Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.

   I try not to be rude, but some of you make it hard work.

   "Try the morphine, it's excellent today."

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   To learn patience, you must wait for a woman to get dressed. But you'll probably need an anger management class first.

   I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car!

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

   I wish I loved anything as much as people in yogurt commercials love eating yogurt.

   Just how bad do you have to be for someone NOT to remember having sex with you?

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.

   My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.

   If you dance like no one's watching you, you will never get laid.

   Doesn't like being told what to do unless he is naked

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   "Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.