Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.

   Before you begin, I’m legally obligated to tell you I don’t care.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   I miss the life I planned in my head.

   Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

   One of my greatest joys is watching a kid bite into a salt n' vinegar chip for the very first time.

   Your check a$$hole light is on.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   I don't want an Amazon Echo because I don't need another thing in my house that talks back to me...

   Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....

   I've never liked FIFA either. They take way too much out of my paycheck.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.