Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.

   Okay future girlfriend, you can stop playing hide and seek now.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.

   My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...

   I belong to a gym...let me rephrase that, I don't belong there. but I go anyway....

   When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.

   .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

   Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.

   All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"

   just ripped a hole in my American Eagle jeans. I'd be mad but I think they just went up in value..

   Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.

   Sometimes I think that life is one big test...and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.

   I bet Bin laden now reqrets letting his Facebook "Check In" at his current location

   bin Laden's last words..."hey, did you hear your Iphone is secretly tracking where you are, crazy right?"

   saw another of those adverts telling me to send my gold in an envelope addressed to Cash for Gold...... Sorry, but I just don't trust my postman that much.