Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

   day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.

   My dog thinks that I like walking her again. My fit bit thinks I'm setting new goals. I'm really looking for pokemon."

   There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.

   As a Millenial I find my life is now full of much more meaning now that I have Pokemon Go!

   There are now a lot of confused and frustrated kids out there that are frantically trying to take selfies with their newly found Pokemon Go characters.

   Loving this new Hula-Hoop app

   Kat Denning's b00bs are the life preservers which save 2 Broke Girls.

   Local Japanese-American cultural center begins charging $28 admission when Rare Holographic Mewtwo found in WWII exhibit...

   so apparently being " A Kid At Heart" does not apply when it comes to Pokemon go. Pshh...Please. I'm a grown A** Man. now where did I leave my Xbox contoller

   A great trick to play is after a long and intimate texts with your girlfriend, end with "Who is this?"

   Minor Daily Wins: I was 5 minutes late for work today, but my boss was 15 minutes late....so I was 10 minutes early to work.

   Does anyone else think "Master of Fine Arts" sounds sarcastic?

   I went to to gym today. Next week I'm going to get out of my car....

   Picture a gang of criminals scanning an area for Pokemon before deciding to dump a body.

   Notice to all you "bar star" chicks out there....STD'S aren't Pokemon, you don't have to catch them all!!

   Trick friends into believing you went on a tropical vacation by having your hair braided.