Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

   I'd like to send a sympathetic Christmastime shout out to young kids these days who see a really cool toy on TV, but will never get it because their parents must be 18 or old6er to call.

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

   Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.

   When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses. That’s me in a nutshell.

   My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

   I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth

   Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

   "Hey. My eye is up here." - hurricanes

   Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?

   Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   I'm so old I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Just cant remember where and when that was?

   It's snowing! And I think I'll go outside now for 30 seconds to take a selfie so all my Facebook friends can see how much I love the snow.

   Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.

   I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.