Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

   My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years

   Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a "who wants to sleep on the couch" contest.

   I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

   The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

   My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.

   I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

   This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   Mrs. Huxtable is not gonna be pleased.

   Hi ho hi ho off to jail Bill goes

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe 'Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?'

   If you put a little red vest and a leash on your bowl of queso you can take it anywhere.

   When I phone the child abuse hotline a kid answered the phone and told me to piss off.

   "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

   Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"

   Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen. Me: so was this pie