Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   You know, it's just like some clowns to give Ronald McDonald a bad rap running around all creepy like. . .

   Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.

   In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.

   Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.

   Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.

   For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.

   Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."

   The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   Whoever said "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today" knew how to log out of facebook.

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

   Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   Canadian thanksgiving this weekend. Don’t forget to eat a beaver.