Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?

   Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..

   Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?

   whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .

   Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".

   If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it

   Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.

   It always seems impossible until it's done

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   I like sleeping because it is kind of like being dead but without the commitment.

   Justin Bieber looks like he needs to be cast in a Home Alone movie.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese restaurant that never closes and call it "Twenty Pho Seven."

   If I had a penny everytime that I thought about you, my pants would fall down.

   I bet toilet paper rolls in CIA offices all have the 4th Amendment printed on them.