Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   I'm compiling my 2018 resolutions now, just because I know I can procrastinate some times..

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager

   Remember when 'sex,drugs & rocknroll meant something other than 'sundays, anti-depressants & turn it down?'

   I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.. Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.

   My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?

   You had me at let's get something to eat..

   Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.

   My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.