Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay

   Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

   So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.

   Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

   "Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot

   I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

   It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull

   My foot has been in pain ever since I stepped on a box of breath mints. My doctor told me I have Tic-Tac toe.