Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   facebook is having its epic fail at this very moment!

   bp should practice what they preach, Seen at every BP gas station is a sign that reads "Do not leave pumps unattended, you are responsible for spills"...

   After getting out of bed and not seeing the shoe that one of my dogs left in hallway, I have come to the conclusion that gravity is a b!tch.

   I'd stand a much greater chance at checking out those spam porn emails if they didn't read something like, "young cuties horses XXX mother/son gangbang bondage erotica!" Uh, all at the same time, or...?

   The only magic trick I know is transforming a full potato chip bag into a trash bag.

   You know the economy is bad when...Congress decides to keep their hands in their OWN pockets.

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?

   The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

   Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term Me: Don’t kid yourself

   [3am] Me: My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

   Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed. Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here? Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

   A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

   I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

   the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

   I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away

   subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.