Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.

   If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

   Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor? - me as a marriage counselor

   Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

   If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?

   Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.

   OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....

   I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."

   You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers