Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

   You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.

   [50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

   imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

   I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.