Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.

   In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.

   I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".

   so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

   Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.

   Happy 35th, Atari 2600

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...