Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   "Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee

   Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...

   Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"

   I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.

   After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.

   Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'

   How about a carpet with permanent vacuum lines so it always looks clean?

   The FDA has announced that eating raw cookie dough is really bad for your health. So is telling my girlfriend not to eat raw cookie dough.

   Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.

   Just so we dont have black kids running around the neighborhood looking suspicous -It's "Pokemon Yo". Keeps all your searches confined to your welfare housing project.

   She blinded me with science... well, Sulfuric Acid to be more precise.

   The more I interact with humans, the more I hate humans.