Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room

   It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"

   Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?

   'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.

   Gee, Judging by the lack of smiles on peoples faces today .... A lot of Valentine's wishes went unanswered.

   Hollywood actors praising themselves...The Oscars smh

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   I’m already an idiot, I just need a village

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.