Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   When I was a kid I made my dad a clay ashtray. Millennials probably think I should be locked up.

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room

   It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"

   Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.

   When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

   My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .

   The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.

   I’m already an idiot, I just need a village

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   I’m going to start following my dogs lead and bite some ankles when you get too close to me.

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.

   kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again

   My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.

   No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

   Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.