Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Just found on youtube the deleted scene from Sound of Music where the kids keep sneaking back downstairs to the party after being sent to bed

   People tell you to make yourself at home and then get all judgmental when you empty the fridge and fall asleep on the sofa

   "That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." ...Said no one ever.

   I thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like you not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   The grocery store in my neighborhood needs to repaint the parking lot near the door to show where the "Just Lazy" parking is.

   How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.

   In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan

   I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.

   if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?

   Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks

   After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.

   The next gen iPhone has new Pay By View so you just look at what you want and pay, and sorry but I just bought your car.

   I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.

   ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together

   Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"

   Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.

   Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.