Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonder if I have enough things in my kitchen junk draw to build a rocket ship to get me off this rock?

   eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.

   Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.

   It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

   If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   When a Woman tells you "you're so cute" instead of "You're Hot," it means you are Not all that and you can just get entry to Friend zone

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.

   Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends

   I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone

   You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.

   A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.