Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...

   Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

   Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.

   Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....

   To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.

   Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?

   Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

   No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

   Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: you touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

   Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

   I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.