Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.

   If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.

   Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.

   The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!

   [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

   Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?

   I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.

   Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.

   What do I like most about people? Their dogs....

   Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.

   One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Some people are like that annoying advert that suddenly cuts in the middle of a viral video.