Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a psychic to get my fortune told, but I realized she was a fraud the minute she accepted my check.

   Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing

   Warning to parents of young children. Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.

   Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

   I raise my left hand in salute to you sir. RIP Hugh Hefner.

   How fitting is it Hugh Hefner died on hump day

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   [restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food

   Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.

   I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

   I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

   GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.

   I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582

   [at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine

   The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.