Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."

   One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.

   "Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks

   Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

   Maybe I talk to myself because I'm my own therapist

   I don't usually cook... does anyone know how much vodka to put into mashed potatoes

   I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!

   Finally fixed the volume on my phone so I can't hear the other person talking.

   Happy Confused Camel Day!!

   "It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.

   I'm at the age where I don't party hard I party mildly.

   I don't always contradict myself but when I do I don't

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me

   You can never go wrong with medieval technology.

   It sure seems like a lot to learn before a second rodeo...

   Just accidentally took a drink out of someone else’s glass, tell my mom I loved her