Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   Me at McDonald’s with my $1400 stimulus check: sir the ice cream machine is broken.. Me: how much does it cost to fix it.

   Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

   "Honk if anyone gets out of my trunk"

   Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.

   I just assume every Italian person ever has met Rocky

   Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   Funny how effective Chicago police are if you havent commited any crimes.

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.