Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   Happy Halloweiner Hillary and Huma

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July.

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   Ran into a #PETA nut while walking my dog. He said my dog was my slave. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying the poop in a bag?

   "What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."

   it normal to delete Facebook friends on their birthdays

   it’s almost 2017 and food can still make you fat get your act together science

   So you're going to the Black Friday sales? Didn't you say you were thankful for everything you had yesterday?

   Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...

   I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".

   Nothing ruins a Friday quicker than having to work the weekend. too.