Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day. 
[first day as a 911 operator] me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.
Mueler's Russian roundup may soon come to an end.
DOCTOR: why do you think you need this medication? ME: I saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.
If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high - the door is always open
The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.
Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza
I hope the aliens from Area 51 don't escape. I don't want to pay for their healthcare too.
And the Terrible joke award goes to: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.
It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.
My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.
The brownies I started making in my sisters Easy Bake Oven in 1977 are just about ready if you guys want one. 