Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have friends I would take a bullet for and friends I'm reserving a bullet for.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?

   My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

   People always slam elevator music and that's very hurtful to those of us who have spent years learning to play the elevator.

   Just a deplorable trying to not get suicided by the clinton crime regime.

   people can cry and cry all they want about who won and who didn't but when you have a 50% voter turnout you have only yourself to blame.

   Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate

   If you have enough cats you don't even need a blanket.

   Came Across a disclaimer that said "don't try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbor's house

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   I don't go on Twitter a lot, does 'tweets' mean "political p!ssing and moaning from all sides", and what happened to the - Funny ??

   Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

   Egg Nog is the perfect holiday drink for when you don't feel like breathing out of your mouth for a few hours.

   My favorite yoga pose? Downward facing nap.

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I love pizza because it doesn't judge and tell me I'm doing it wrong when I eat it drunk.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.