Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

   "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds

   October surprise. . . indeed.

   Election 2016. The real American Horror Story.....

   We finally have a story to tell OUR grandchildren, "I was alive the LAST time the Cubs won the world series!"

   If you can't identify the 80s movie by the opening song's electric keyboard, we probably can't be friends.

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   I only enjoy making friends in non election years.

   This year, they should give out Xanax with the 'I voted' sticker.

   U-Haul stocks are up today :)

   What a great day to be alive and an American on this day of Remberance and Honor of the Men and Women who answered the call of duty and the sacrifices they have made to keep us free., thank you and know this we will never forget, we will never surrender

   Things get back to normal tomorrow when Supermoon returns to work as mild mannered reporter Clark Moon.

   Now my neighbors know how often I pee in my backyard... Thanks, super moon. Thanks.

   My Bank called because they noticed "Highly Suspicious Activity" on my debit card. It was for a Gym Membership.

   The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

   Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.