Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.

   A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.

   Gee-Whiz ... I have heard worse words coming out the mouths of Rappers that party at the Whitehouse.

   DonaldTrump is doing one mean Alec Baldwin impression tonight.

   Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.

   Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

   Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

   She is not a slut, she just needs to work on her "saying no" skills.

   Ok... Where do these people come from that just wake up and say "Ya know, I don't think I can live without purchasing a BMW station-wagon". Really? THAT'S the luxury vehicle of your dreams? 

   Pajama jeans (pajamas that look like jeans)...the selling point...regular jeans are hard to put on, tight and uncomfortable...I think maybe just buying the next size up in jeans would solve the whole problem yes? just saying....

   Hmm, my upstairs office window is open and I just spotted my kid's cape. Wish me luck!

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.

   I'm an advocate for all those who cannot talk for themselves, like my middle finger for example

   thinking dirty the whole day.

   You never realize how much you enjoy sleep until you wake up early.

   I don't have tourette's...random thoughts just fall out of my mouth!

   Some women are terribly hard to please… the rest are impossible!