Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   Demonstrate how much you suck.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?