Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   The word is “butter,” go spread the word.

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.