Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”

   Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   Heading to WcDonald's for a Big Wac

   Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.

   Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire

   Key to any successful marriage is to discuss everything together and then finally settling with the wife's decision

   1998: That guy is using a cell phone, probably a drug dealer. 2018: That guy is using a payphone, probably a drug dealer.

   A Pop Tart is really just a dessert Hot Pocket...

   I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!

   Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   Fellas; Someone you are unable to hang out with when you are broke is not your girlfriend. That’s a prostitute.

   . Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.

   Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.

   asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart

   If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!