Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disney will install warning signs to prevent future alligator attacks but sadly most alligators are illiterate.

   Dating Red Flags: She shows you the "good behavior" pin she received in group therapy.

   .... Heck ..... ow can you trust a government that leaves you defenseless against an enemy your own Government Imported?

   If we had a black president none of this kind of stuff would be happening.

   'Black Lives Matter' is taking off while 'Just stop breaking the law yo' gets no support

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!

   "It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..

   Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?

   Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.

   The most contentious part of the Brangelina divorce will be who gets custody of Ethiopia.

   Hillary says she takes national security very serious. So how the hell did wikileaks get those classified emails then?

   When the zombies come, my plan is to hope they are all dyslexic and go after the Brians

   "Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way

   Good Morning Inmates

   Every woman likes to be swept off her feet. It's when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!