Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere there's a guy named Jayden K. Smith wondering why nobody will accept his FB friend requests

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of marijuana. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   She doesn’t need a sugar daddy, she needs a glucose guardian.

   Whether you follow your head or you heart, be careful. One of them is clearly an idiot!

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.

   When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.

   Golden Corral has lobster tails for $2.99. That's less than the medicine you'll need to buy from puking your guts out afterwards.

   ... Turns out Corporal Klinger would no longer qualify for a Section 8 Discharge in today's enlightened US Army!

   There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.

   "Too big to fail"...."Too big to jail"... same thing

   Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   ... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!

   My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the DNC?

   The young neighbors next door do things like water the lawn and plant flowers. I remember when I had hopes and dreams.

   How do you get Americans to exercise their right to vote when you can't even get them to exercise?