Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast

   Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

   ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.

   If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime

   The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

   When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.

   Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

   Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol

   Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?