Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast

   "Wow, Santa! Have you lost some weight? And have you been working out? I can sure tell...Because you look great for your age!" Rudolph The Brown Nose Reindeer

   Rich guy: I should be paying higher taxes. Also rich guy: has a team of accountants find every possible deduction to reduce taxes...

   A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!

   Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!

   Use the aging app on your kids and you may find out who the daddy is

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   The older you get the more dating is like that final scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Red finally tells the Parole Board off.

   Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

   Give her flowers. Women love watching a slow death.