Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.

   Technology today is a race between smart people striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof gadgets, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.