Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Laundry: Washing - 30 min Drying - 1 hour Putting away - 7 to 10 days

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood.

   I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

   I do all of my ironing in the dryer.

   If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory

   I'll tell you what's wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

   i miss the 1970s when you could ignore a call without even knowing who it was

   Am sorry I asked you 'Who is the father' when you told me your wife is pregnant.

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say "Over there."

   Yes, Lets use the little blonde girl in braid ~Hitler~

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.

   Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!

   mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

   Freudian slips happen to the breast of us.

   I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.