Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who remembers when "Never before my coffee" used to be called social distancing?

   Eskimos have over thirty words for ‘snow.’ That’s nothing, my wife has over 100 words for ‘F - off I’ve got a headache.’

   My soul mate is probably driving alone with a mask on. Come pick me up stupid.

   I see Netflix is already making documentaries about the Coronavirus. Like jeez thanks Netflix just what I want to watch!

   My paperless origami business folded.

   At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

   "Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

   I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

   My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

   I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again

   I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me

   Inside my house I have a smaller house that keeps food cold and an even smaller house that heats food up...

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff

   I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!