Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.

   Guarantees in life: 1) Death. 2) A restaurant server will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill.

   Don't date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.

   After five minutes of talking to you I can already tell that all these books on your shelves are just for decoration.

   I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose's ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

   Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start.

   Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating

   Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

   Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.

   My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

   Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.