Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   So I now have 921 friends on my friends list and I just wanted to let you know that you are all awesome people and I love each and everyone of you!!! <3 Except #631

   Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 15 pounds before eating your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Thanksgiving :-)

   Always choose a proctologist with a good butt-side manner.

   Ha ha suckas....Pie and Cake are safer to eat than salad!

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .

   Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.

   The subtle art of knowing better but doing it anyway.

   A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.

   My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?

   Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire...

   DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman. Everyone knows that.

   I see the mother in law's put up a new profile pic! It's got 23 yikes already!

   Some of these self proclaimed “Instagram models” look like their birthstone is crystal meth

   Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he's in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?

   Ain’t nobody going to treat me like the celery on a HotWing plate

   If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette

   Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

   MTV turned 38 years old today so lets celebrate 18 years of music.