Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a ton of money not spent at Disneyworld by making my kids stand in line in the backyard for 3 hours and then taking them to the bathroom.

   If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"

   wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”

   Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!

   When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes

   Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson just had a baby girl and did not name her 'Pebble.'

   Well, looking like Bill Cosby's gonna get to meet Fat Albert, for realz.

   It's steak, not stake dumb ass.

   I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

   My kid just found an Easter egg in the back yard, if you want to know how often I do yard work.

   remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast

   I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.

   If this new pair of camo crocs doesn't get me laid tonight, nothing will.

   Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

   I just applied for a job with the local police. While I wait for their reply, should I start going after criminals or is it too soon?

   What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.

   * The difference between trump and kim firing someone trump "YOU'RE FIRED" kin: ready, aim,

   I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.