Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.

   [first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.

   Why is drake worried if Kiki loves him.. I thought he only loves his bed and his momma

   no one could ever hate me half as much as I dont care

   I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.

   What if you are an atheist, and you're stuck behind a guy with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker at a traffic light?

   My dog is one of those trained to sniff drugs!..he's brilliant and can even roll up his own $20 bill.

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   Start each day with a smile and get it over with.

   One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"

   What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search