Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon New York: We just had a storm with 50 mph winds. Oklahoma: Hold my beer...
←Rate | 08-22-2017 20:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:34 Comments (1)  


   messageicon it safe to take off my eclipse glasses yet?
←Rate | 09-18-2017 03:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate it when you try to stay behind someone one car-length for every 10 mph of speed like you were taught in Driver's Ed, and then some idiot pulls in front of you.
←Rate | 09-29-2017 09:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've had a really bad day. First, my ex-wife got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
←Rate | 10-05-2017 06:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!
←Rate | 02-21-2019 09:53 Comments (8)  


   messageicon Before the Coronavirus I'd cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.
←Rate | 03-12-2020 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.
←Rate | 06-05-2020 13:23 by DJJackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 13:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon With all this stress eating, I may hit 270 before either of the candidates.
←Rate | 11-06-2020 12:59 by @svaldez187 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Press 1 for English.... Did I move?
←Rate | 03-06-2021 11:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.
←Rate | 03-10-2021 20:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
←Rate | 03-12-2021 10:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.
←Rate | 03-16-2021 09:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.
←Rate | 03-19-2021 21:29 by @svaldez187 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?
←Rate | 06-26-2016 23:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I still think Richard Gere overpaid for Julia Roberts.
←Rate | 07-09-2016 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Legend says when you can't sleep it's because you are awake in someone else's dreams....when I find out who you are I'm going to punch you right in the face.
←Rate | 07-17-2016 04:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I now consider sitting in a quiet car as a good night out.
←Rate | 07-25-2016 22:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
←Rate | 08-03-2016 05:10 Comments (0)  




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