Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1094 of 6446

New York: We just had a storm with 50 mph winds. Oklahoma: Hold my beer...
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08-22-2017 20:42
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So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?
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09-16-2017 22:34
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it safe to take off my eclipse glasses yet?
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09-18-2017 03:07
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I hate it when you try to stay behind someone one car-length for every 10 mph of speed like you were taught in Driver's Ed, and then some idiot pulls in front of you.
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09-29-2017 09:10
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I've had a really bad day. First, my ex-wife got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
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10-05-2017 06:40
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Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!
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02-21-2019 09:53
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Before the Coronavirus I'd cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.
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03-12-2020 09:13
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Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.
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06-05-2020 13:23 by DJJackson
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I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.
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07-20-2020 13:07
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With all this stress eating, I may hit 270 before either of the candidates.

Press 1 for English.... Did I move?
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03-06-2021 11:59
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I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.
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03-10-2021 20:36
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Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
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03-12-2021 10:34
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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.
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03-16-2021 09:22
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Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.

Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?
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06-26-2016 23:02
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I still think Richard Gere overpaid for Julia Roberts.
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07-09-2016 05:59
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Legend says when you can't sleep it's because you are awake in someone else's dreams....when I find out who you are I'm going to punch you right in the face.
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07-17-2016 04:50
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I now consider sitting in a quiet car as a good night out.
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07-25-2016 22:11
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Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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08-03-2016 05:10
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